Last month, I shared three interactions with people I experienced, that were related to wealth in some way, and I asked readers to share their reactions. This month, I will share some of the feedback I received along with my thoughts.
BOLD numbers indicate the situations I shared last month.
Asterisks (***) indicate the additional feedback received and my thoughts.
#1 – I’m at a NY Rangers hockey game at Madison Square Garden in New York City with my 23-year-old son to my left and a young boy, about 11 years old, to my right and his dad was to his right. I asked the young man if he played hockey, and he shared that he was on a team and loved the Rangers. I shared that I played up until a couple of years ago, also love the Rangers and we had a nice conversation about hockey and why we love it so much.
I asked what team he played on and where he lived. He told me the name of his team/club and shared, “I live in Greenwich, CT.” Upon hearing this, his father snapped his head to look at me (he had been uninvolved in any of our conversation prior to this). He turned to his son, back at me, and finally turned to the game saying nothing at all.
*** A reader or two commented that the father may have feared I was some kind of nefarious guy and he was looking out for his son who naively shared personal information. Although understandable in this day and age, that was not the sense I got by his expression and non-verbals. Another comment focused on the son not understanding the nuance of “Greenwich” being a very wealthy place to live and the father likely assessing how I reacted to hearing this. Still another thought was that the father was likely into the game and just did a quick check to see what was unfolding, deemed it harmless and then looked back at the game.
An additional reply focused on the “code” of wealth culture. Insiders know the “code” and in this case “Greenwich” very likely means significant financial wealth. Parents raising kids in the culture of wealth need to help them understand that a code exists and to be thoughtful about when they “out” themselves. One reply focused on the “zinger” and the possibility that the father may have been looking out for one. An example of a “zinger” would be when someone shares the town they live in (known for being a wealthy place to live) and then gets a jab, tease, or sarcastic or outright mean comment about the person’s town and wealth. “Wow, you are from Greenwich and you are sitting way up here in the cheap seats!”, for example. (In reality, we were all sitting pretty close and paid dearly for the seats—this was just an example of a zinger!)
In my memory of the experience, the dad’s head turned immediately after the son mentioned the town “Greenwich”. I am always willing to be wrong (we all project our own ideas onto people and situations.) I do believe the father was sensitive to the wealth implications of his son sharing this. My guess is that this father was thinking about the dynamics of wealth, privacy and discretion and considering if he should say something to the son, and what to say and when. Again, I’m willing to be wrong and the field I’m in may greatly influence my perception. Either way, this situation is good grist for the mill in talking about raising children in the context of family wealth.
When working with my client families, I coach parents on how to talk to their children, in developmentally appropriate ways, about the family’s special status (having lots more money than needed for food, clothing, shelter…) and how to be sensitive when talking to others who may be in very different circumstances. This is especially important if the kids are living in a world in which they interact with people from a wide variety of socio-economic circumstances. ***
#2 – I swim with a Masters team and we had a meet in a neighboring state. After the meet, we went for lunch, about 12 of us. I’m very friendly with everyone on the team and we have fun together. Lots of good-natured teasing. One of my teammates brought her husband whom I never met before. Often, she and I banter playfully and her husband seemed like a guy with a sense of humor.
At one point during lunch her husband was sharing some funny stories about his family. Along the way he said he went to college “in the Boston area” and a bit later that his “parents had a little place on Long Island.” I jumped in and said with a grin, “Let me translate for those of you who might find it helpful. He went to Harvard and his parents have a place in the Hamptons.” I had no direct knowledge of any of this and only reacted to what he said and how he said it.
He and his wife started cracking up laughing, acknowledging that it was true and hilarious to them that I read it correctly (in this friendly context). Several others at the table simply stated some form of, “What just happened? How did you know all that from what he said?”
*** I got the feedback that I might have been guilty of “showboating” my insider knowledge. I think there is some truth to that. I got a little ego boost by being funny, getting laughs and showing that I was privy to the insider code. Some who shared their thoughts believed the husband did not want to come off as presumptuous or boastful and that my outing him seemed playful and likely did not have a negative effect on him. Still another perspective was that this guy may have been trying to prevent others at the table from feeling less-than, or protect himself from judgment—or both. Or maybe he was simply trying to fit in. Once again, my judgment was called, gently, into question as it could look like I was disrespectful with poor boundaries, potentially embarrassing a new friend. I can see why someone might have that perception, and I went with my gut based on how the husband and I were joking and teasing one another throughout the day. The way it turned out, with everyone laughing, it came off as playful and fun, but there was the risk it could have gone sour.
Like the hockey example just prior, there are codes that indicate wealth and status. Families who have created wealth need to make sure that family members understand these codes and the complex and varied reactions for using or not using them in different situations.
#3 – I was volunteering at an organization that works to eliminate food insecurity. There was a high school senior volunteering alongside me. Smart and friendly. We struck up conversation about all kinds of things. He shared a lot about his life and a couple of things stood out to me:
“My high school is in New York City and the CEOs of some huge companies send their kids there. The school is (prestigious private high school name here).” He goes on to name the huge companies and talk about the kids of the CEOs.
“I want to be very rich, and I do not want my kids to have to work. Well, maybe my sons…but not my daughters. I want my daughters to have it easy.”
*** One responder pointed out that many of the replies gave some grace to the teen as he is still developing his values and outlook on life and may be trying on different ways of thinking about the world and presenting himself, appreciating that many responders did not rush to judgment and kept an open mind.
Many of the comments related to whether the young man’s thoughts reflected hardened beliefs or were the temporary thoughts of a young and developing mind. I did not share all the details of my interaction up front for the sake of letting people “play” with these scenarios without all the details, however, I did push back on the young man in terms of pros and cons of “avoiding kids having to work”. I told him about my career working with enterprising families and what I’ve seen when kids are coddled and indulged versus expected to contribute and work. I also pointed out the importance of expectations around work for poor families, too (keep in mind, we are having this conversation in a soup kitchen.)
We ran into each other a month later and he had given it some serious thought and was open to the benefit for his future kids of having expectations, accountability and challenge. There seemed to be an assumption (I hope?) among those who gave input, that he may have been less entitled and more open to thoughtfulness about kids, expectations and work. This seemed to be the case as evidenced by the additional details I’m including now. In addition, he expressed some embarrassment/regret that his thinking is likely limiting what his daughters, should he have them one day, could achieve. He wants more for them than being taken care of by his money and a financially successful husband.
There was also some wondering about whether he was volunteering of his own accord or if he was required or mandated in some way by parents or school. The thinking here seemed to be that if he was doing this of his own motivation, he might have more sensitivity to class and wealth and less entitlement. Conversely, if he was forced or mandated to volunteer, the thinking tended to assume more entitlement and lack of awareness and appreciation of his privilege.
Situations like these happen frequently in more and less subtle ways. For wealth creators or inheritors raising children, a key parenting responsibility is to help children perceive and understand these dynamics, to be thoughtful about these dynamics, and ultimately to orient children to their place in the world and how they present themselves in it.
Feel free to join the conversation on LinkedIn by CLICKING HERE. Connect with me if we are not already connected there!