I speak regularly around the United States on the topic of families and wealth. Areas of focus include developing communication, high-functioning family ownership groups, managing inevitable conflict, distinguishing between non-working family owners and family members who work in the business to grow it. I address reaching agreement on roles and responsibilities for each, developing governance to guide families across generations, and, the big one, developing the next generation.
I have seen quite a bit when it comes to parents who are frustrated with their children’s behavior and values around money. I saw so much, in fact, that I took my expertise in child development and parenting from my earlier career as a family therapist and psychoanalyst and developed the Purposeful Legacy Family Project (PLFP). Through PLFP, I work with couples with significant family wealth BEFORE they have children. The goal is to help them understand their own values and histories around money and life, how they are similar and different, and find common ground for how they will raise kids together with the values they hope to instill around money and much more. By consulting couples this early in their family planning, I can educate and coach them about how early the opportunities present themselves for impacting values, character, and a stewardship mindset. And when I speak on the topic, audiences show great support for these ideas around practical, proactive parenting opportunities at the earliest ages (well before five years of age).
Inevitably, I’m asked what the options are for the many clients that professionals serve who have not been intentional around how they raise kids in the context of their financial success. They want guidance around teens and young adults, or even adult children in their thirties and beyond, who have become entitled and lack motivation. Often parents have given much and expected little. And these parents are not walking the walk of the values they hoped to instill in their offspring. Professionals want to know the options for supporting parents in these cases.
I have found that there are two key factors in addressing these situations. First, the parents must be willing to accept that their parenting decisions played a significant role in how their kids turned out. Next, the family must be willing to come together for facilitated conversation in which parents share their mistakes with the kids. In other words, parents must, as the saying goes, “fall on their sword.”
Accepting responsibility is only a first step. Then parents must sit down with their kids, admit to their own mistakes, and acknowledge that the kids have been greatly affected by them. This admission usually gets the attention of the children. I spend a good deal of time coaching parents before meeting with their children because it is so important that parents are genuine in taking responsibility for the parenting decisions they made and explain the effects they see in their kids in a way that does not shame but gently informs. These are the elements of effectively falling on the sword.
When access to wealth has been given freely and expectations for contributing have been minimal, I see the most pushback. Kids often wonder if the parents are moving toward pulling back on financial support (they usually are). It can be confusing to the children when parents take responsibility for having made mistakes, but then the pain of change (reduced financial support and higher expectations for productive independence) lands squarely on the children themselves.
In situations where parents gave freely but also had some level of expectation around helping around the home, working, school, or sports, to name some common areas, my experience has been that there is a greater likelihood that the inevitable pushback is milder and leads to acceptance of different ways of doing things. I see that it also leads to healthy discussion between parents and kids about what happened, why, and how it could have been done differently with an eye toward the future and opportunities with future generations if these kids themselves become parents.
I know a trust and estate attorney who works with very wealthy families who is often approached by parents who have not been intentional with their parenting in the wealth context and have entitled kids. He simply tells them, “I can not do on paper what you could not accomplish in twenty-five years of parenting!” This takes guts (and a thriving practice that can afford to lose potential clients). It is harsh, realistic, and honest.
It is so much easier to start early and do the simple things with young kids—the payoff is huge. Check out my site for BLOGS and ARTICLES with more specifics. If you wait until late in the game, I know an attorney with some sage feedback. Or I would be happy to support you in mustering up humility and falling on your sword. My belief is that it is worth it and is the first step toward changing the entire family system – now and for future generations.