A variety of diverse and necessary professionals become deeply involved in the process of helping a family sell their business. Many of the elements are technical and involve accountants, lawyers, merger and acquisition specialists, financial advisors and others who need to work collaboratively as a team. The interplay of family dynamics/relationships with family business/wealth is a critical piece of the puzzle and can stymie a lucrative sale even when more technical elements have been deftly handled by other professionals. Enlightened professionals know experts in family facilitation and reach out for help and guidance even if it means setting aside their services for a time. They realize this is in the best interests of their family clients and, critically, is most likely to help clients achieve their goals.
I have a good relationship with a well-known accounting firm. Over many years we developed high levels of trust for one another, and they reached out during a stuck point with a client. Two brothers had developed a very successful and profitable marketing firm on the west coast and had approached the accounting firm over a year earlier to prepare to sell their business. The market was ripe to sell and they had potential buyers. The brothers became stuck and unable to move forward. The professionals knew little except that it seemed to be related to unresolved emotional issues between the brothers. The partner wanted to do whatever was best for the brothers, and he felt the issues were out of his realm of competence and contacted me to see if I could help them.
After a brief call with one of the firm partners, I suggested an hour video conference with the partner and the brothers. The brothers made clear they wanted a quick resolution – something that is often requested and frequently impossible when family conflict is high and time is short. Quick and inexpensive – who wouldn’t want that?
The brothers agreed on details of the history between them: they started the business as 50/50 partners and invested equal amounts of money, each worked hard in different areas of the firm, the older brother had a master’s degree while the younger did not finish college. Several years earlier the older brother demanded and received (gave himself) an extra $150,000/year because of his advanced degree.
I determined on this initial call that the brothers trusted one another, genuinely cared about each other and were willing to be flexible and compromise – a rare combination offering a foundation of hope for a quick resolution. Additionally, they were both adamant that they wanted to have the kind of close, fun brotherly relationship they had when young.
Willingness to compromise + love = hope.
Could this actually be quick, inexpensive and powerful?
I suggested meeting alone with each brother for two hours (one Monday and the other Wednesday) then holding four hours on Friday for me to meet with the brothers together, with the accounting firm partner agreeing to be available by phone during that period if needed. I let all parties know that resolving this in one week – 3 meetings – was a longshot but possible if they were willing to try and understand one another and compromise.
The younger brother came on Monday and was able to articulate his brother’s frustrations in a way that was empathic and appeared to be accurate based on the accounting firm partner’s briefing. He also was able to describe and be accountable for his tendency to not speak up directly with his older brother about important business decisions and he knew that frustrated his brother.
He disclosed that as a child he was sexually assaulted by a teacher and that he tended to become frozen as an adult when it was time to speak up and assert himself. He had insight into how this was negatively affecting his older brother and felt deep shame about it. The family knew of this incident, and he gave me permission to use my judgment about whether to discuss this with the older brother. He was also angry that his brother was taking more compensation than him when they invested the same amount of time, money and energy. He was hurt and insulted. When his brother moved to another state (yet continued to work from home) he felt completely abandoned.
On Wednesday of that week I met with the older brother who expressed deep caring and concern for his younger brother and was also able to accurately describe what his brother’s experience was. He was frustrated that whenever important decisions or strategic planning and choices needed to be made, his younger brother seemed to bail out and disappear. This older brother wanted a partner and a sense of support. He was saddened that their business would not grow beyond them and had always hoped they would develop a team to take over while they retire and reap an income. It felt to him as if his younger brother was not interested in supporting him and so he moved to another, distant state and did his work remotely travelling to the business now and then.
I shared the younger brother’s experience of not being able to assert himself in important moments and how it related to the assault by his teacher years ago. The older brother was quickly able to understand the connection and what he perceived as his brother’s lack of desire to work as a team was really an old, deep hurt. I helped him understand that while his frustration was justified and made sense, it was experienced out of context for what his brother was reliving.
The older brother was sure his younger brother resented the extra money he demanded and took and felt he had been arrogant in requiring it. He had written an apology letter and shared it with me during this meeting and I suggested he email it right then to his brother.
At the Friday meeting I welcomed the brothers and asked the younger brother if he received the email. With tears in his eyes he replied that he had and said how much it meant to him. I encouraged the older brother to share his feeling of wanting to apologize and also to make it right. He offered a high six-figure amount to his brother to balance out the years of taking “unearned higher compensation.” The younger brother stood up and the brothers embraced and cried.
They both agreed it was time to sell the business and in fifteen minutes helped them articulate some basic terms about how they would work together to make the sale happen. This final meeting took less than an hour and the on-call accounting firm partner was not needed.
The fact that both brothers were able to understand the other’s perspective was a very advanced emotional intelligence skill and was crucial to healing and moving forward. Also, the love they felt and desire to have a brotherly friendship was a key element of their ultimate success. At the time of this writing, the brothers were well on their way to completing the sale and were very close as brothers.
I am always honored when a family allows me into their deep and personal world and works hard to heal and move forward. These two brothers did just that. It is the difference between a career and a calling.
*Identifying details have been changed to protect client privacy.