Years ago, when I started doing yoga, I noticed immediately that some of the people in the class were doing these harshly loud exhales. I was in disbelief. How obnoxious! The room we were practicing in was beautiful, simple, clean and had a calm, spiritual feel about it. Very relaxing. However, this guy next to me was exhaling like an espresso machine having a nervous breakdown. I was pissed. Here I am trying something new and this dude is wrecking it for me with his dramatics.
Anyone familiar with yoga is likely already snickering at me while reading this. There are several types of yoga breaths known as Pranayamas. The loud and powerful exhale is called a Ujjayi breath (Victorious breath). The person next to me was doing the correct practice and I was projecting my a-s off, believing that this guy was showing off while I politely (and incorrectly) did my mellow version.
I was trying something new in a room where most everyone was experienced. I projected onto the poor guy next to me that he was arrogant and cocky while in actuality I was nervous and insecure. It was that simple. When I learned more about Ujjayi breaths and the purpose of it, I too was loud and powerful with my Ujjayi breaths (and proud to get it right!)
This dynamic of insecurity and projection onto another is a common human experience. We all do it now and then and can learn from it if we keep an open mind. One way to catch these kinds of unconscious experiences is to notice when we feel angry at someone for no apparent reason. Or in my example, there is an “apparent reason” but the magnitude of the reaction seems disproportionate. Why was I so pissed at this guy’s breathing? What I was really pissed about was my was own vulnerability and insecurity while taking a risk and trying something new.
In my work with enterprising families, some reach out to me with heavy conflict, looking for relief and harmony. Others reach out with very little conflict, wanting to harness harmony for a bigger purpose. With all of these families, the insecurity-projection process is relatively common. Truth is, this is common among all humans, not just in families. I didn’t even know the guy next to me in that yoga class! As I often say, life is complex on its own. Add running a business or a shared financial endeavor and complexity grows. Combining life, business and family—that is a whole other level of complexity!—and fertile ground that regularly generates the insecurity-projection process. The key to turning it into something productive, from which you can learn and grow, is to be curious and humble about what is happening, with an open mind, and without shame or contempt for the other or oneself!
Frequently, when working with family clients, I point out these “misreads” and help the misperceiver look deeply at their experience and what led them to an inaccurate assumption. When done carefully and gently, everyone in the room benefits and learns to be better at it. I help families develop a culture of this kind of psychological curiosity so that they can unravel complex feelings and interactions on their own when I am not around— and with their own sense of pride. The end result is less messy, hurtful conflict and more productive conversations with increasing growth, learning and harmony.
I’ll share two related blog posts, both involving my older son Jeremy and me. While not exactly the insecurity-projection process as described above, they both involve curiosity and humility while believing one is indisputably correct! Each of us had the opportunity to eat crow, as they say (or is it humble pie—readers’ choice of delicacy!)
In December 2021 I was taken down a notch, while the next month, January 2022, I rose from the ashes!
December 2021 – Wet Leaves and Humility
January 2022 – Phoenix of Fatherhood