Ancestry, the family history and genealogy website, found in 2022 that 53% of Americans could not name all four grandparents. I am personally fortunate as my grandparents were part of my life while I was growing up and I can easily remember all their names. Guess nowadays this is less common and that leaves me sad.
What are the ramifications of not knowing the names of all 4 grandparents? It may be more significant than you think.
Psychologists Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush are well known for their research into family history and how knowing a lot about one’s family has all kinds of wonderful benefits. They found that the more children knew about family history, the better they fared in all kinds of ways. They developed the “Do You Know” scale composed of 20 questions (listed below).
According to their research, the more children know about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, and the higher their self-esteem. They found knowledge of family history to be the best single predictor of emotional health and happiness in children!
Suddenly, not knowing all four grandparents seems to have some gravity.
In my work with wealth-creating families, even before I came across the work of Duke and Fivush, I have always had a strong focus on family stories and history. I experienced the power of knowing about my family’s past and my childhood was filled with family stories of all kinds. My father told me the story of how his father escaped the Nazis and was the only member of his large family to make it out alive. This instilled in me deep gratitude and a drive to have a good life and help others. I bring this into my client work. Client families are often positively and powerfully affected as I interview them and help them to remember the stories of their lives, and family stories from previous generations, and as they share them with the youngest family members. The energy in the room is always palpable during these times of family storytelling.
As I say often when talking about something useful for wealth-creating families, all of this is also important for poor, working-class and middle-class families. It truly is. And for financially successful families, the circumstance of not necessarily needing to struggle in the same way as those with less financial resources can create entitlement and lack of motivation to work hard and achieve. This possibility is one of the greatest fears of parents in wealthy families.
Family history offers these wealthy families a connection to where the wealth came from and how someone or several people in previous generations sacrificed, worked hard, succeeded and failed along the way to success. Some escaped genocide or famine or disease. Some took harrowing journeys to access opportunity. Some left family behind hoping to reunite and never met again. Some of these same folks also were helped by perfect strangers, won a lottery, or had an idea that turned into a huge, successful business.
Research is clear that the most powerful narrative is the oscillating narrative. This is when the stories balance happy, positive stories with painful stories of struggle. If stories are all happy, kids will lack understanding of how tough life can be. If stories are all tragic, life can seem hopeless. The oscillating narrative balances the realistic ups and downs of life.
All of this history gives context and connection helping children, teens and young adults see themselves as part of something bigger than themselves and money. Duke and Fivush call this the “Intergenerational Self”. I frequently see all this in action. Family stories, and the relationships with the family members who lived them, instill a drive in next generation inheritors to be part of the lineage in healthy and productive ways through positive social impact, entrepreneurism and carrying on essential family values as they start families of their own.
Can you name all four grandparents?
20 Questions by Duke and Fivush:
- Do you know how your parents met?
- Do you know where your mother grew up?
- Do you know where your father grew up?
- Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?
- Do you know where some of your grandparents met?
- Do you know where your parents were married?
- Do you know what went on when you were being born?
- Do you know the source of your name?
- Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
- Do you know which person in the family you look most like?
- Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
- Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
- Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
- Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
- Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, Chinese, and so on)?
- Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
- Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?
- Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?
- Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?
- Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?